The Brooklyn College Vanguard

Bullspit!

Written By Ryan Gleason

 I will admit, pooping at school was a fear of mine for many years. Brooklyn College’s bathrooms have erased that fear for me. So here are the top five bathrooms to poop in on campus. 

  1. Roosevelt Hall Extension, Second Floor: Isolated, clean, always has paper towels/toilet paper/soap. If you like to poop promptly, this is the single stall for you! However, it is simplistic and doesn’t have that “WOW FACTOR”. 
  2. WEB Film Building, Second Floor: Three Urinals? Motion detecting flush technology? FILM STUDENTS LIVING IN THE FUTURE OUT HERE! It is a very nice bathroom but too big — a lot of echo. You can see how that is a problem…right? 
  3. The Staff Bathroom at the Chipotle on Junction: Technically not a school bathroom, but close enough. Have you ever needed a clean bathroom to hit the Hershey Highway after your fourth burrito bowl of the week? This bathroom is the one for you. All you need to do is use the password and the staff lets you use it. The password is “please, please, I have to poop. I will pay you 50 dollars, please.” If you don’t have fifty bucks, don’t worry, just run as fast as you can out the door. They don’t get paid enough to care. 
  4. Whitehead Hall, 3rd Floor: This is a Goldilocks tale if you’ve ever heard one. I was ready to give birth to a turd toddler one morning last fall, and the first two floors were being cleaned. Note: the top two floors haven’t been cleaned since Bernie Sanders went here. I hit the third floor and the sense of urgency hit code BROWN! I was crowning and I refused the epidural. I burst in the room and found a clean, moderately sized, and decently kept porcelain palace. I sat down, enjoyed the lack of smell and graffiti, and welcomed my crap child into the world. 

1: The bushes in front of Boylan: IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE SQUIRRELS IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! 

   I know this list can be helpful to fellow shy poopers, though I apologize I couldn’t give my opinion on women’s/gender neutral bathrooms — I respect those who use those bathrooms and refuse to stink ’em up. But men? SIT IN IT! Down with the patriarchy, one dookie at a time. If this list is pointless to you, continue pooping at home like a homeschooled freak, no one cares.

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