The Brooklyn College Vanguard

Bullspit!: Coronavirus on Campus

Written by Ryan Gleason

FALSE ALARM! 

But see how scared you got? This thing is running wild through the world like Hulkamania. As far as I’m concerned, there is only one disease more scary and that disease is disco fever. 

Now, we are relatively safe. Those overseas dying of this outbreak are older with compromised immune systems, they are delicate. But us? Americans? With our amazing health and super careful nature towards hygiene — we are safe as can be! 

We have been surrounded by beer farts at baseball games and have taken mucus filled train rides since birth. America is like a germ party and everyone is invited. All this exposure has built up our immune systems to HEFTY strength. 

I can’t remember the last time I was seriously sick. Mostly because I can’t afford to see a doctor every time I feel bad, so I just sort of wish it away. But that is besides the point. Those of us in these amazing 50 states are practically invincible. 

Conservatives think those traveling from Asia and its surrounding countries are bringing the disease here. That is CRAZY! When was the last time someone brought you something from their vacation that wasn’t bought at the airport they returned to. My mom and dad went to Italy and I got an “I love Italy!” magnet from a souvenir shop in JFK Airport! 

Follow these simple rules if you are still concerned about catching the Coronavirus: Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your DAMN hands. 

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