It was Sept. 12, 2019, when I realized that maybe I should go see a doctor. After six years of not seeing one, I decided it was probably time for a check up. You know, just to make sure everything was working right. I don’t get medical insurance through my job as an unemployed comedian, so I decided to take advantage of the clinic here at Brooklyn College.
I thought all I had to do was show up, get checked, and then leave. I mean, it’s free, so I assumed it wouldn’t be a hassle. But NEWS FLASH! I had to know things! My birth date, my medical history, how I’m feeling… TOO MUCH!
I got through it though. I got through the basics and then it was time for the exam. The examiner checked my breathing and my reflexes, you know, basic doctor-y things. I was then asked if there is anything I would like to know, like, specifically if there was anything health wise I was worried about.
I said, “What are the usual concerns students have?”
“Mostly STD’s,” he responded.
Wow… I know right? So I told him I don’t worry about that because I’m always careful. “Oh, yeah, well you never know, your partner might do heroin and catch something that way.”
I told him that all my past girlfriends were drug free, and that I don’t do recreational drugs at all. He insisted I get checked still. He said, “Maybe one was cheating on you with someone who does.”
WHAT?! Is he allowed to say that?!
I asked if he gets a lot of people in here who cheat on their partners. He told me he saw a man and woman walk in holding hands, grab free condoms and leave. Every week, they did this apparently. Then one week, that same man came in holding hands with a DIFFERENT woman and grabbed more condoms.
I said, “Oh man, that’s messed up!” and he replied, “I know, why couldn’t he just grab more condoms the week before, with his girlfriend, so he didn’t have to make the trip here twice for his side piece?” He then proceeded to usher me out of the exam room and through the door of the clinic. I asked, “Can I get some condoms before I go?” and he looked me up and down and said, “Really? You?” and laughed.
Best visit to the doctor, EVER.