By: Elianna Tsigler
It always sticks out like a sore thumb.
You are never “masculine enough” to be a man; everything about you gives it away. If anything, attempting to present in this way appalls others, as you are just a “confused butch lesbian.”
You also can’t be feminine, or else you aren’t a “real” man. As 17-year-old Zel Beldriver was told, “‘You’re sitting in a dress right in front of me. How am I supposed to view you as a man?’”
Due to this, many transgender (trans) men fear being seen as too feminine; even relating to female experiences makes them feel that they are invalid.
Trans men are expected to follow a rigid set of rules imposed by both broader societal standards and, at times, members of their own community to pass—they have to “prove themselves” to everybody. The standards are even higher than those for cisgender (cis) men.
Any individuality, or femininity, leads others to question your identity. You are expected to maintain traditional masculine standards: wearing clothes that conceal your body, avoiding certain piercings, hairstyles, or hair colors. In the process of becoming a man, you strip away every part of yourself.
In an article by Intomore, attention is brought to femme (feminine) trans men through interviews in which they discuss the criticism they’ve faced because of their identity and way of expression. “People don’t understand why you would transition to being a man if you are not a ‘usual’ or ‘normal’ man,” Flor tells Intomore
If it’s not your appearance, it’s the fact that you are “too emotional” to be a man. Trans men are often portrayed this way to make them seem as though they are “still a woman.” In turn, many turn to toxic masculinity, specifically stoicism, where emotion is seen to be a sign of weakness and femininity.
On the other hand, there will be people who don’t understand why you transitioned in general. What’s the point if you were better off as a girl? “Trans men [are seen] as ‘brainwashed victims of the patriarchy’ […] poor, innocent, deluded women,” who need guidance back onto the right path, according to Jay Hulme.
As someone who typically presents more masculinely, I have had people urge me to dress more femininely, insisting that no one would be interested in me while I “look like this.” I’ve been told to grow out my hair and wear certain clothes because they would look “better” on me than the styles I typically choose. Only when I choose to present myself in a way that aligns with femininity do these criticisms turn into compliments.
There is no winning. No matter what you do, someone will attempt to undermine your identity and force you back into the confines of societal norms.
But the only way they succeed is if you let them. So why let them? As Gabriel tells Intomore, “Diversity of gender and gender expression should be reasons for celebration, rather than defensiveness or hatred. Developing our empathy and emotional connection as a species is the only way for people to start understanding this.”
The fulfillment that comes from expressing your authentic self shines far brighter than negativity, and everyone deserves sunshine.
Throughout the years, society has become more accepting of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual (LGBTQIA+) individuals. Although complete acceptance hasn’t been achieved, there have been great steps in the right direction. For the first time in history, there is an openly gay male—Chris Pappas—in the Senate. Progress is made every day; we shouldn’t lose hope, especially not when we’ve made it so far.
The concept of masculinity itself is changing. Men have begun expressing themselves in a wider variety. They are now willing to wear clothing once labeled as “feminine.” Some men shop in the women’s section; others wear brighter colors and accessories beyond a wedding ring or a watch. It’s now believed that clothing has no gender; “fashion is fashion.”
For decades, it was a standard that boys must suppress their emotions and endure pain in silence. As stated by Blokes Psychology, “Boys were taught to ‘man up,’ not cry, and to equate vulnerability with weakness.”
However, men are now opening up to their very human emotions. They are beginning to reject tradition and pave a new way for themselves. Those who have been victims of these previous standards call for change. “The pressure to perform or stay silent has prevented many men from living authentically,” according to Blokes Psychology.
“It’s important to remember that, as trans people, we are generally held to much stricter standards of gender expression and presentation than cis people,” Gabriel shares with Intomore. This article was written in 2018, and since then we have seen so much improvement.
That being said, since it applies to cis men, the same should be applied to trans men. They should be able to express themselves without added pressure, because at the end of the day, boys are allowed to cry.